Too much to ask for...?

It was like a dream to me on how my relationship started with him. It was like a movie. However, movie aren't real. In real life, we have more things to deal with. Things like our differences, our likeness etc...as Charles always say to me, every couple has to meet somewhere in the middle for a relationship to work. I don't think relationship is such a complicated matters. It is always the human makes it complicated. At the very early stage, I wasn't sure where I am heading to, what do I actually want. I was just over with Peter and the next week, I met him. I surrendered myself to all the possibility of the impossible. (ok, going out for dates are the possibility, impossible is having a real relationship with him - culture and religion differences). As time goes by, we had been together coming to a year now - taking into the account a little hiccup back in December 2007.

After the hiccup, I gave myself a chance. I was still wasn't sure where I am heading to. But this time, I know that I've fallen in love with him. I didn't want to admit this. Sergio pointed it out. I still remembered Sergio said," looked, it's obvious you love him. Your entire expression seems too obvious. Call him up and talk to him". I was still stubborn. I was like, why should I call him? he asked me to find someone else. I should respect his decission, aren't I? At last I gave in, I called him. The talked had turned into reconciliations. I didn't want or think very far but all I wanted was a man who can love me and I wanted to give all my love to this man. No matter how imperfect he is...sometimes, when you love someone, you just accept him, for what he is... Friends think I've made a wrong decission but they reminded me that if I need them, they will always be there to support me.

Couple of months later, I heard from a friend of mine that she saw him flirting among the girls in the club. I sort of know those girls because he told me about them before. They were not very decent - in my dictionary. I just listened and of course, I wasn't quite please with this piece of news to begins with. My gf suggested that perhaps I should check anything interesting on his mobile. I was reluctant because this is too much and this is an act of intruding privacy. At the same time, I sort of buy in with this idea. Reason being, I am not sure if this guy is trustworthy (opinions based on other close male friends). To my horror, I actually saw some indecent invitation SMS (proposals) that he sent to a girl. My heart totally crushed at that moment. I was shocked and speechless. I wished to leave him immediately at that moment. My trust was totally and completely crash right at that moment. I felt disappointed with myself. I started to think, what do I expect from him, a man whom knowing his ex-wife for the past 13 years didn't remain faithful to her but looking around before she agrees to their divorce? and I expect him to be "faithful" to me? who am I actually?  I remembered that day, I went a little berserk. Two side of my head is fighting. In the end, I gave in because I love him, it is painful to accept what had happened, which it may or may not happen again in the future. He promised to me that he won't speak to her. But it is not "her" the problem. It is the "principal" problem. It makes me doubt here, WHO AM I to him? I think the answer is obvious, he is not taking me seriously.

I am quite confuse. Why hanging on to me if he is not serious? There are times, I can feel that he does like me. But there are times, I felt like I am just being used.